I hate wanting things. I feel vulnerable when I want things, like there is an attack point. This goes for most things in my life. I REALLY like the feeling of being content, and with about 99% of my life I am. Then every once in a while something comes along and I want it… and I can’t not think about it… it completely consumes me. I hate that feeling. This isn’t just for large things, this is for stupid shit like video games and a new monitor… but the larger things take longer to go away. The few times that I have been “In Deep Like” and I won’t use love because I don’t think it was love…. I am reserving love for something more… which totals at this point 4 (3 for sure, one I am ify about) times in my life, it is detrimental to my growth as a person for almost a year or more. I definately think I am better off having gotten past it… it is better to have loved and lost… but it is best to have not loved at all. But it isn’t about “love”, it is about life. It is about wanting things and money and entertainment and security. I want to be free of wanting it all.

I want to learn to not want…. but that is wanting. Life sucks.